WTFMoments.org

What in the niggeration! The BET AWARDS ARE COMING, THE BET AWARDS ARE COMING (no homo/no homophobia). Li’l colored babies across America have their Kool Aid poured and their bbq potato chips with extra hot sauce on standby.

Just like many Black Americans, I turned it on late. But like most White folks, I DVR-ed it. I did rewind it only to see “Urshers” whack-ass performance. Then Jeezy performed and I was amped (even though Kanye’s T-Pain vocal effect sounded like hot dirt and water). It sounded like he gargled with coarse road salt and thumb tacks. In his defense, it really wasn’t his fault. BET is doing a much better job on this awards show but they need to tar and feather the sound man. The microphones keep fuckin’ up and they are way too low. This is a supreme exercise in niggerocity.

I also saw Keyshia Cole stink up the joint. All I can say to Ms. Cole is, “Baby, you fine as kitten pubes, but you need to hit the treadmill.” Now she had a li’l pudge above “the bush”, but I’m real with mines. I like that. It provides ample support for my hips as I thrust them into a young lady’s hips over and over, etc. However, she sangs. She needs to be able to sing a whole song without sounding like she ran up aisle C of the Superdome. Keyshia was suckin’ more wind than Kobe faggot has sucked dick (I know, an unfair jab at Kobe but fuck ‘em, Snitches get stitches). Keyshia plopped around stage like a 300 lb offensive guard, during the 2nd two-a-day practice. Lil Kim came out and saved the performance. However, she looked like a blue chip tail back herself.

Ne-Yo was the first truly respectable performance. However, he just redid the entire Michael Jackson routine from the 1986 Soul Train Awards. The first part of his show looked like a step show from the greatest organization in the world….”the world craig”.

From here on out I’m going to do a play-by-play of the shit during the show that I think are pure examples of Niggerdom.

8:57 Alicia Keys

OMG Alicia Keys got more ass than a Budweiser Horse (clydesdale).

She looks like a Centaur. She needs to let Riahanna borrow some of dat azz. She has enough azz for several r&b acts to go from “flat to phat” overnight. Good on her for bringing out SWV. They look sloppy but they can sing. OH SHIT, En Vogue! OK, they were what every teenage boy used to think bout when they “rubbed one off” back in the early ’90s. Keepin’ it real, I’d still let ‘em all take turns sitting on my chin. Wow, TLC! It ain’t the same without Left Eye but they get an “A” for effort.

9:04 Niecy Nash-Presenter of Best Male Rap Artist

Niecy Nash (click link for her pix NOT SAFE FOR WORK) got some fat ass ankles…movin’ on. Kanye won the award. I don’t care though, that’s Jay-Z’s award. Awh he brought Lil Wayne on stage with him. Boy do I wish I was as high as he is.

9:12 T-Pain

I like the set; nice theme. I especially like the chick in stilts ‘cuz I just realized I ain’t neva fucked nobody with stilts on. I would like to know what the fuck is up with him and these magician hats. I can’t decide if he is going to sing, pull a rabbit out his hat, or lead me to his magical pot of gold teeth. YOOO!! Good look to Rick Ross for holding it down for all the fat boys in the world. His fat ass is on stage with a velour fit, no shirt on, and the jacket wide open. Lookin’ like Shamu with $120k of jewelry on. By the way, why it look like these two just got done running the last suicide drill at basketball practice….

….SOMEONE PLEASE CUT OUT DJ KHALIDS TONGUE. I’m tired of hearing him talk on every track. STFU. Ill give him his props though, I remember when he was selling bootleg phones on Luke’s Peep Show back in 2000. You’ve come a long way.

9:25 Video of the Year – UGK, Outkast, Three 6 Mafia – Intl Players Anthem

I’m glad they won but it’s some bullshit that BET didn’t put Triple Six on the credits. More importantly, R.I.P. TO THE PIMP!

9:31 Warren Sapp

When they first said Warren Sapp was the next performer I said “Oh shit, Warren Sapp play a mean three technique, just retired from the league and now he singin’ on the BET Awards. This must be unprecedented.” Turns out this Warren Sapp is a superb gospel singer. Make you wonder, “Why are all the best voices in gospel?” OHHHH, OK, D.L. Hughley messed up. His name is Marvin Sapp.

9:35

I know this is the Gospel Award but Lisa Lisa done fell off harder than the former Governor of NY Elliot Spitzer.

9:44

Shout out to Chris Brown for officially bringin’ yella niggaz back in style. While Wesley Snipes faces prison time, light-skinned America rejoices in its biggest star since Al B. Sure as he dances on the BET stage. Who cares if his new haircut look like he smoked too much weed this morning and just said, “Fuck it”? He yella. GO TEAM!

And good on Chris for bringin’ Ciara on stage to simulate sex during “Take Ya Down”.

9:52 Best Collaboration – Kanye and T-Pain – Good life

Why the fuck does T-Pain have on a silver suit with a black paisley relief and a matchin’ 10 gallon hat? 39 WTFs.

10:03 Al Green Lifetime Achievement Award

Jill Scott got calves like my high school football coach. I bet she could karate kick through several clay roofing tiles. Wow! Anthony Hamilton cut that scraggly azz beard. But he got on some Pee-wee Herman shoes. LOL, Maxwell is back but he cut his hair and looks like Dresser from the Five Heartbeats (real name Harry J. Lennix ).

11:06

My bad y’all, I got side tracked. My boo showed up and I got distracted.

11:14

“HIP HOP I ALIVE DONT WORRY I GOT IT!!!!” WEEZY F. BABY ….PLEASE SAY THE BABY!!!!!

The After Party

Is Puffy layin’ game on “The Grinch that Stole Xmas”?

Did Queen Latifah fart while Lil Wayne’s mouth was open?